Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Band Perry - Better Dig Two

The Band Perry is a very fucking stupid band name. They are all siblings with the surname Perry, but surely there is a less annoying way to present this. Thankfully for the Perry brothers, their sister is a hot blonde who can sing pretty, so here they are with a major-label country contract.

Two things strike me about this song. One is that it sounds like she's saying the n-word in the chorus. In fact, this is probably why this song has done well so well on the country charts. The second thing is how much energy this band tries to sound old-timey, authentic folk band. Pastoral instrumentation, how fucking novel. Banjos and mandolins and shit. Cute, but you should probably focus on making the song interesting. Same reason I hate Mumford & Sons: boring melodies, good marketing.

This song is just creepy. The narrator is a love-struck wife who highlights her suicidal tendancies to threaten her husband into staying faithful and dying first. If this is love, it's creepy as fuck. How can you sing along to this?

2.5 shoes (out of 5)

Florida Georgia Line - Cruise

Florida Georgia Line look like douchebags and, in all likelihood, probably are. Lead vocalist Tyler Hubbard looks kind of the frontman of Puddle of Mudd. They both wear leather bracelets to show they're rock-and-rollers but single "Cruise" is just a basic mid-tempo pop tune. The duo formed just two years ago and they've already made it to #1 on the U.S. Country chart, breaking Taylor Swift's strangehold on the top spot.

I want to hate this song and the punchable faces that created it with every fiber of my being, but the main hook is pretty catchy. The lyrics have the requisite Southern rock hero and American truck references, but they play their douchery close to the chest. The chorus is about Hubbard getting such a chub from a Dixie lass that she makes him ignore basic traffic laws. Simple, effective, doesn't make me want to stick my head into a wood chipper. Decent country song.

3.5 shoes (out of 5)

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble

Taylor Swift had a feature in Rolling Stone this October, and writer Brian Hiatt asked Swift about her interest in the Kennedy family. Immediately before dating 18-year old Conor Kennedy, Swift had been seen reading a 960-page book titled The Kennedy Women. Swift responded, "Weird...It's like - things happen in my life in coincidental ways that are weird."

Taylor Swift's fourth album Red has already sold over 3 million copies worldwide, which is just great. She's decided to use third single "I Knew You Were Trouble" as a pop/dubstep crossover vehicle. The verses feature some breezy electric guitar pop affair, while the choruses erupt into the most non-threatening dubstep bass break imaginable. The bass is so muted and generic, the verse/chorus transition is more of a tempered slope than a drop. This chorus is so bad that I am defending the honor of a dubstep drop, the cheapest thrill in uninspired dance music right now, to express what producer Max Martin failed to do here.

In the lyrics Taylor Swift whines about some guy from One Direction, who probably slept with her a few times, realized that she's an OCD/anxiety-ridden power freak, and quickly changed his phone number and the locks in his house. The lyrics talking about falling, being cold, know what, Taylor, maybe you're just a crazy bitch that repels people. Maybe every guy you've ever dated has ended things quickly and completely despite your imagine being that of the cutest, most adorable girl in pop music. Maybe you need to stop writing kiss-offs to every guy you've ever dated, and actually work out your problems in the real world.

I've enjoyed a lot of Taylor Swift's singles a lot more than I'm comfortable to express in detail, but this song blows ass.

1.5 shoes (out of 5)